7 Months

Dear mommy,

I wish you are well. Vivian Biu Yee and Goo Poh came to visit this month and apparently they're already leaving on Wednesday. Time is passing by so quick. 

Hanson and the kids got hand foot mouth disease last week, so we've been quarantined at home. Luckily I wasn't infected. I guess my immune system is really that good. However, I still had to stay at home for the week because I had to take care of Mui Mui. If anything, Hanson probably got it worse than the kids. 

Goo Poh and Vivian Biu Yee stayed with Poh Poh for the month, so it kept her occupied for the most part. Unfortunately, Poh Poh has this lingering cough that doesn't seem to go away. I messaged Kau Kau and asked him to bring g Poh Poh to go see a doctor and maybe get a chest x-ray incase it has changed to something more than a cough.

There was a segment on the news the other day and they said that scientists were able to bring these worms back to life after they were frozen to death like hundreds of years ago. The worm probably felt like it had traveled through time and they wake up to be in this different world. 

The reason I bring this up is that it made me again question whether heaven really exists and where were these worms went after they were frozen to death. 

I really miss you. I thought I saw you in my dream briefly a few days ago. I think you were telling me to wake up or something.

I love you mommy. I can't believe it's been 7 months since you've been gone. 

Love,

Juli

It's been more than 6 months...

Dear Mommy,

It's been more than 6 months since you've been gone. I think about you every day. In fact, not a day goes by without me thinking of you. I'm sorry I didn't write more often. Sometimes, I want to think that you can somehow just read my mind now that you're a spirit. I don't know how true that is though. 

BB has been talking a lot more. In fact, a lot of times she doesn't shut up until you acknowledge what she says. You would be so proud of her now if you were here to see. Mui Mui started walking at 10 months and you can imagine how busy I've been. She's also learning how to talk and mimic now too. 

I started going back to work this month. I still think about the day that they called me to let me know that I got the position. I'm so glad that I got to tell you before you passed just 12 hours later. I know how you wanted me to get a job with more stable and predictable hours.

So far, it's been 2 weeks of orientation and it's been mostly self-learning on the computer. It's pretty painful, but we've sneaked out early quite a few times to make up for it. We've had 2 days of observation in clinics and those have been much more enjoyable. 

Apparently, I have to do an exam before I can give chemo. That's why those nurses who gave you chemotherapy are so knowledgeable. I just need 75% and above to pass but it has still been stressing me out. I reserved a week for me to study for it over my maternity leave and I couldn't even get through half the material. Most of the time, it's like... "I know I'm reading English, but I have no idea what I am reading" -kind of feeling. 

Anyway, I've been trying to keep a routine and stay in touch with both daddy and Poh Poh since I've been back at work. It's harder to get to see Poh Poh given that she lives alone and Kau Kau is not that helpful. I often feel like I can't go see Poh Poh when daddy is around too. I can tell that daddy is still very depressed. He's not eating very much and says he's full all the time. He's gotten really skinny now too. Most of the time he seems like he doesn't know what to do with himself. I see him and I can see how lonely he is. I pray for him to regain his strength and continue to live on. He's so depressed and I feel his pain too... 

I love you mommy and I miss you very much,

Juli

One Month

Dear Mommy,

I can't believe that it's been a month already since you've been gone. We all really miss you. Daddy still cries often, but he's getting a bit better. He cries when he thinks about how he hasn't had any dreams of you yet. We are all still waiting. It doesn't help that he is not eating or sleeping well. I've also been sleeping really late at night too because I've been watching the Heart & Greed (TVB) show that you and I were watching before you left.

Sometimes I imagine that you are here watching TV with me. 

When talking with daddy, he keeps saying that he mostly feels bad for you. When you and he can finally be together without anything keeping you two apart, you had to go back to God. He obviously is very angry at God right now.

He feels that Poh Poh has always been in between you two. Never wanting you two to be together. Never wanting you two to be happy. He thinks that you've worked all your life and had to give so much of your money to Poh Poh. Even when you were admitted to the hospital, you were still taking money from your wallet to give to Poh Poh. 

On the other hand, you might already know this, but Kau Kau had stopped giving Poh Poh money since he got laid off from UBC a few years ago. You probably already knew this. 

I know I said it once, and I'll say it again even if you don't like it. But I swear, if Kau Kau dies tomorrow, nobody would miss him. He's such a selfish asshole. Only cares about himself. He spends so much money to fund all his hobbies such as learning how to play the stupid bass. Then he would go and get his bass tuned by some professional because he's too stupid to do it himself. He has so much money to do all these things, but he has no money to give to poh poh? What BS. 

Poh Poh said that the money is in his pocket, she can't make him give her money and she's not going to open her mouth to ask for it either. I suspect she operates in the same way with you. I'm trying to explain to daddy that it may not be Poh Poh's fault that you are giving her so much money but that you did it because you are concerned about poh poh and is basically making up for whatever Kau Kau doesn't do. 

If anything, daddy should have more resentment towards Kau Kau. I know I do. 

Juli

IKEA Win

Dear Mommy,

So we went to IKEA today to get some ideas for daddy to build his model table. We ate lunch there as well. I went and bought a soup with cash and the total came out to be $2.40. I gave them a $5 bill and the cashier gave me back some change. Without counting the change, I just stuffed it in my pocket and brought my soup to the table because I needed to feed Mui Mui and BB. 

The cash was from daddy, so when I gave him back the money, I realized that I was $2 short. I'm pretty sure I didn't drop it, so I went back to the cashier to ask about it. I don't know if anything would come out from that, but I figured that I would give it a try anyway.

The girl insisted that she counted correctly and gave me back the correct change. She said that I should have counted it before leaving, and not come back 10 minutes later to tell her that she gave me the wrong change. This whole ordeal just reminded me why I pretty much exclusively credit card. 

Anyway, she went to her manager to let him know what was going on and the guy was very polite. He told me that they would need to count the till to make sure they have the correct amount as well, he could check the camera that sits right above the cash register. He asked that I wait a bit and they will try to be quick.

Anyway, I waited for about 10 minutes, but it felt like forever. I started to have some self-doubt about whether I might have dropped it or that it was hiding under a plate at the table or something. I couldn't find it. 

I went back to waiting for the manager and he finally came out. He came out smiling and said, "I got it!" I was right. They did give me $2 short of change. 

I just wanted to share with you how my day went because I felt like I should be grateful for these little wins in life :)

Love,

Juli

Praying for Strength

Dear Mommy,

I went to visit Poh Poh today. Went to the BMO and helped her deal with some of her bank accounts and trying to consolidate her money. I asked Poh Poh how come she doesn't call Kau Kau to go out with her. She said that Kau Kau is always asking her what else she has to buy, assuming that she just needs to go out and buy stuff. But truthfully, she just wants to go out and walk around. So she actually took the bus out yesterday and walked around Ladner on her own for like 2 hours, she said. 

I dropped off Mui Mui for Daddy to look after while I went out with Poh Poh. When I went to go pick her up, daddy said Mui Mui only had milk today and hasn't eaten anything else, which prompted me to ask him if he ate anything. It's not surprising to me, but no, he did not have lunch today. 

Daddy is just torturing himself. He constantly looks through his iPad for your photos, making himself cry. Then he doesn't eat, he doesn't sleep. He has no appetite and is constantly thinking of you. I don't know how I can help him. I said to him if he continues to be like the way he is now, he will probably join you in heaven soon, and I wonder if that is what he wants. 

Everyone is telling me that I have to look after Daddy, and then other people are telling me I have to look after Poh Poh. Daddy says that it should be Kau Kau's job to look after Poh Poh. I feel so torn. I can barely look after myself. I am still on antidepressants, and those who tell me to look after Daddy and Poh Poh may not even know that. And for those who do know that I am on antidepressants, they tell me that I should try not to take them if I can because they can be addictive. I don't think I can just stop taking them. I probably have to wean from them. Either way, I definitely don't want to go cold turkey on the antidepressants and then start having suicidal thoughts. I have two babies to take care of, I don't know how I can take care of an additional two adults. I'm feeling mentally burnt out again.

I want to pray for Daddy to find the strength to continue moving forward in life. I pray for him to get out of his rut and start being productive again. I pray for him to be kinder to himself.

Love,

Juli

Midlife Crisis?

Dear Mommy,

I hope you are doing well. We are all missing you very much here. We are still trying to pick up the pieces of our lives that you've been helping us manage all these years. Daddy just figured out how to set up his electronic banking to pay all the bills for the house. Poh Poh is still trying to figure out what to do with all her bank accounts that she has joint with you. I just recently cleaned up my bank accounts with Lana and consolidated everything. 

I've been reflecting on what has happened in the last 2 weeks and it almost seems like I'm going through a midlife crisis. Since your funeral, I've had a haircut and I ended up getting a tattoo on Saturday. Hanson doesn't know about it (yet). I haven't told him, and I don't think he's noticed yet. Last time I brought up the fact that I wanted to get a tattoo, he was pretty unhappy. I figured I'll wait as long as I can, and when he finds out, I will just be like "Oh, that thing? It's been there for like a year already."

I know you would be unhappy about me getting a tattoo as well. I don't mean to go against you or your wishes. But I really wanted something that I can carry around permanently that would remind me of you. I ended up getting my tattoo at "Sacred Heart Tattoo". It's not associated with our elementary school or church, but I thought it was an interesting fact. 

I ended up getting what I wanted, which was a Pooh Bear riding up on a balloon to heaven and found his butterfly. I got it on the side of my ribs. It was more painful than I expected. Emily actually came with me and just so you know, she did not have any influence on my decision about getting this tattoo. I held Emily's hand the whole time; I thought I was gonna break her hand. But you know what? No matter how painful it is, it's nothing compared to what that hole in my heart feels like from missing you. 

I think about you constantly. I still wait for you to come into my dreams. 

I love you so much,

Juli

Short Hair Problems

Dear Mommy,

How are you? I hope you are well wherever you are. After cutting my hair short, I realize that it gets oily quite easily and now I have to wash my hair every two days again. Before when I had longer hair, I was often trying to be lazy and "train" my hair so that I only had to wash it twice a week. But yeah, it's getting oily much quicker than I expect now. It could be because I am running my fingers through my hair more often.

BB came back home early from daycare today because she developed a rash after eating some dragonfruit. She's eaten dragonfruit before, so we don't think it's an allergic reaction but we brought her to the doctors anyway. It looks like she has a bit of eczema. 

It's been really tough. BB goes to bed later now, around 8:30p or sometimes even 9:00 and Mui Mui is fussing a lot at night time and has difficulty falling asleep on her own. I wish I could just let her cry it out, but then she's going to keep BB up. I don't know what to do... I used to have at least a few hours of alone time in the evenings to do whatever I want, but I don't even have that anymore. I feel like I'm about to blow up. Just feel so miserable inside. 

I miss you a lot. I know you're likely to be really against this, but I am planning on getting a tattoo. It's something I've wanted for a really long time. I might have mentioned it to you in the past. I've been finding some comfort in Winnie the Pooh quotes for a while now. I plan to get a tattoo of Winnie the Pooh flying up on a balloon and meeting a butterfly. It's a symbol of me trying to find my way to heaven so that we can reunite again. I don't think I will regret getting this tattoo in the future, and I hope that you will approve of it. 

But yeah, that's it for now! Love you lots!

Love,

Juli

Spice World

Dear Mommy,

I looked at the calendar last night before going to bed and I can't believe that you've been gone for over 2 weeks now. Neither dad nor I have had dreams of you yet. We are still hoping that you will come back and visit. 

Daddy said that you came by home the other day. He senses that you were telling him to wear new socks to the funeral and helped him find your minion beanie because he didn't want to always wear the one you made him. He says it's starting to pill and you are unable to make him another one, so he needs to keep it in good condition. 

On a lighter note, I almost went to go watch a movie tonight. They are playing Spice World in the Cineplex VIP theatre. Apparently it came out 20 years ago. That makes me feel so old, so I don't know how that would make you feel. I was going to go watch it with Emily, but their tickets sold out by the time I found out. But there's so much girl power in this home already with BB and Mui Mui - haha!

I miss you so much. It's been many days since I've cried, but I cried today. I just can't believe it's been so long already. Not one day goes by without me thinking of you. I am trying to be strong for daddy, for Poh Poh, and for BB and Mui Mui. We all miss you.

Love,

Juli

Over 2 Weeks

Dear Mommy,

I looked at the calendar last night before going to bed and I can't believe that you've been gone for over 2 weeks now. Neither dad nor I have had dreams of you yet. We are still hoping that you will come back and visit. 

I miss you so much. It's been many days since I've cried, but I cried today. I just can't believe it's been so long already. Not one day goes by without me thinking of you.

I am trying to be strong. To be strong for daddy, for Poh Poh, and for BB and Mui Mui. We all miss you. 

Love,

Juli

I Got a Haircut!

Dear Mommy,

Many hours during the day, I don't want to do anything. Most of the time, I just want to sleep and wish you can come into my dreams. My days have not been very productive.

I've been wanting to get a haircut for many months now. Mui Mui keeps grabbing it. She does it with BB too, sadly. Also, I have been shedding a lot since having Mui Mui, so Hanson has been complaining how my hair is everywhere. I feel like it has thinned out quite a bit too from all the shedding. So I went out today with Emily to get a haircut and some bubble tea. I think you would have liked it. My hair is shorter now, it doesn't get in my face. In fact, it's too short to even tie it back now. That's how short it is.

This is one of the few times where I didn't cry after a haircut. If anything, I am quite pleased with it. It was exactly what I asked for. Emily and I were chatting and apparently, we both have issues with that David guy that you and Poh Poh go to for haircuts. He just doesn't listen, you ask him to cut it to a certain length, and he just chops it all off for you.

My hair was so long. It's refreshing to get a new look. I really should have collected it for donation because I am pretty sure I chopped off more than 12 inches, but I forgot. Maybe in another year or two.

We were looking at the pictures that daddy put together for your slideshow. Not sure if you knew, but you haven't really aged all that much. I think it helps that you kept the same hairstyle for decades too so all the pictures look so timeless because you can't tell when they were taken. And of course, you are as beautiful as always.

I love you so much.

Love,
Juli

Your Tribute

Dear Mommy,

Today was your funeral and burial and you can now rest in peace. Before the funeral started, I wrote a little something dedicated to you. I am not that good at public speaking... But I hope you liked it.

Cecilia was diagnosed with Stage IV lung cancer back in November 2013 (and no, she has never smoked a cigarette in her life). She put up a good fight and never gave up even at the very end. She was always brave, optimistic and determined for the last 4 years to beat cancer. She tried every type of treatment that was available and never complained of any of the side effects.  

Cecilia didn't lose her fight to cancer. To say that she lost to cancer would be an insult to all her efforts. She fought cancer and she won in so many ways. She won by living another 4 years when the doctor only gave her 6 months. She won by having the health and quality of life to travel around the world with her family. She won by having the fortune to welcome her two grandchildren into the world. She won by being surrounded by her loved ones as she took her last breath in the comfort of her own home.  

We are the "losers". We lost a wife, a mother, a daughter, a grandmother, a sister, a cousin, an aunt, and a friend. We lost the opportunity to hear her laugh again, the opportunity to see her beautiful smile again, and the opportunity to hold her hand again. We are the unlucky ones.  

We don’t want to remember how she died. We want to remember how she lived. How she was always so positive and inspiring. How she loved arts and crafts. How she was amazing at math. How she hated history lessons. How she always fell asleep while watching Star Wars. How she loved being in control of life. That’s why she was always the one in the driver’s seat wherever we went and also the one who took care of all the finances at home. She was a loving wife, a caring mother, a thoughtful daughter and a wonderful grandmother. She was the glue to this family and she will be terribly missed.  

Heaven gained a special angel the day Cecilia left this world. But it will be all right, because Cecilia will live on forever in our hearts and memories. 

Remember Mrs. Trotic? She was the secretary at our elementary school. She's still part of Sacred Heart Parish and she was the one who did the readings at your Funeral Mass today.

Mrs Graham (grade 3) and Mrs. Kirkham (grade 5) we're also there. I know you have very good memory and you would have been really happy to see them there.

Your body is now laid to rest near Gong Gong. Hope you two are going out for dim sum maybe even with 6 Yee Gong too?

Missing you lots...

Love, Juli