Dear Mommy,
I went to visit Poh Poh today. Went to the BMO and helped her deal with some of her bank accounts and trying to consolidate her money. I asked Poh Poh how come she doesn't call Kau Kau to go out with her. She said that Kau Kau is always asking her what else she has to buy, assuming that she just needs to go out and buy stuff. But truthfully, she just wants to go out and walk around. So she actually took the bus out yesterday and walked around Ladner on her own for like 2 hours, she said.
I dropped off Mui Mui for Daddy to look after while I went out with Poh Poh. When I went to go pick her up, daddy said Mui Mui only had milk today and hasn't eaten anything else, which prompted me to ask him if he ate anything. It's not surprising to me, but no, he did not have lunch today.
Daddy is just torturing himself. He constantly looks through his iPad for your photos, making himself cry. Then he doesn't eat, he doesn't sleep. He has no appetite and is constantly thinking of you. I don't know how I can help him. I said to him if he continues to be like the way he is now, he will probably join you in heaven soon, and I wonder if that is what he wants.
Everyone is telling me that I have to look after Daddy, and then other people are telling me I have to look after Poh Poh. Daddy says that it should be Kau Kau's job to look after Poh Poh. I feel so torn. I can barely look after myself. I am still on antidepressants, and those who tell me to look after Daddy and Poh Poh may not even know that. And for those who do know that I am on antidepressants, they tell me that I should try not to take them if I can because they can be addictive. I don't think I can just stop taking them. I probably have to wean from them. Either way, I definitely don't want to go cold turkey on the antidepressants and then start having suicidal thoughts. I have two babies to take care of, I don't know how I can take care of an additional two adults. I'm feeling mentally burnt out again.
I want to pray for Daddy to find the strength to continue moving forward in life. I pray for him to get out of his rut and start being productive again. I pray for him to be kinder to himself.
Love,
Juli